getting it off my shoulders...

 

For those who didn't know Trevor purposed to me on June 17th 2013 in Las Vegas (no we did not get eloped) It's now February 2014, our wedding and party plans are starting to come together nicely. We are both getting so excited and getting ready for our big day! Okay more like my big day haha just kidding babe! We're making things happen by keeping busy and making sure were all doing what we need to be doing to get things done.

 

I'm going to have my loving son walk me down the isle it's so exciting to think that by the time Trevor and I get marred TJ will almost be a 1 year old. 

 

 

We love our growing family, and talk about Zadkiel with friends and family. We have no shame in talking about our child whose up in heaven looking down on us.

 

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One thing that Trevor and I have been working on is getting the negativity out of our lives. Unfortunately, there were some family members who we had to leave behind. A lot of people who don't know the details really don't understand why and tell us repeatedly that life is to short to stop talking to family. Which I understand, however this had been something on my mind for years.

 

 They wouldn't listen to what I had so say, they would talk over me and wouldn't let me utter a word, literally. They were in such denial about past events that had severely altered my life, they had called me a liar and tried twisting my words to make things "make sense" in their minds. I had attempted to explain myself for years, every time they pretend like it's the first time they've heard it. They try getting the family together to work on it, however the way they go about it is causing people more harm than good. I am trying to rid myself of unnecessary drama for the sake of my own sanity and for the good of my family.

 

My heart hurts to say that I had to carve those people out of my life, but when you try for as long as I have what else can you do to get them to listen? They might even be reading this right now, and they know who they are and what they've done no matter how many times they try to ignore the facts.

 

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On a happier note.

 

TJ had a beautiful first Christmas, a wonderful sleepy New Years, and a lovely Valentines Day with Grandma while mama and papa went out on a date. We're very thankful to all of our friends and family (whether chosen or not) who have supported us through thick and thin and have helped us in just so many ways whether its a ear to listen to a place to live.



New life.

Our new addition was born 8/22/13 at 5:36 pm weighing 10.15 pounds, his name is Trevor Kay Morse JR (TJ)

He is an absolute angel and is the sweetest thing, we are so blessed to have him in our lives 

He met his family and had his first Halloween 

He's turning 3 months here pretty soon, and I feel like him and Zad have a connection because I put him together with Zads monkey and this was his first reaction

We are so thankful that he is happy, healthy and we're doing all that we can to make his life full of laughter. 

Thank you everyone who is praying for our little family we have been truly blessed. Everything our baby has needed someone somewhere has given him what he's needed, God is definitely in our corner.

Little one

Throughout this pregnancy, I've been attempting to keep up with a journal to hopefully one day give to our baby. I wanted to show the baby Trevor and I during and after the pregnancy. So far it includes important dates, such as; when we found out we were pregnant, the crazy pregnancy dreams I have had, and the day we had found out the gender.

I wanted the baby to have an idea of who we were before we were pregnant, and I wanted to include stories about the babys older brother. I never want to neglect the fact that our family grew once before and now is a family of four.

Our baby boy :)

 



A New Chapter..

2012 had been one crazy year, life and death. Although that's normal, when there is life there is always death, I just didn't think it could be so fast. Today would've been my grandpa's birthday, he had passed away in November and we all got a glimpse of a truely happy man. He had gone through a lot and triumphed over all. He was a man many people were blessed to know, and his personality could make even the angriest person smile. My grandma is having an extremely hard time, anybody who reads this please send happy thoughts her way and please pray for her to find peace.

 



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December 27th 2012, it was just an ordinary day at work, and I was attempting to focus on a customer's issue. I was so spacey that day I could've been talking to Mark Walberg for all I knew. I had a lot on my mind, and couldn't seem to focus. Yuh see, I knew something felt different about my body, and for the past couple of weeks I hadn't been feeling normal, atleast my sense of normal.  I went down to the nurses station. I had thought, "If something is seriously wrong with me I'll make an appointment with the Doctors first thing, but not until the nurses here tell me I should."

When I went down into my work's nursing station, I had mentioned my concern about not feeling very well. Considering how I was two weeks late on my period, the nurse was concerned for me as well. Luckily they had pregnancy tests on hand for moments like this one and I wanted to know before any New Years Eve parties. She attempted to distract me while the test was developing but we all know that although it's only two to three minutes it still feels like hours.

When I saw those two pink lines develop on the test, my heart skipped a beat. I instantly was so excited, tears of joy started streaming from my face. I went back to work with the biggest grin luckily nobody seemed to notice too much. I wanted Trevor to be the next person who found out, but I couldn't keep it a secret. I called my dad right after work and told him I had some interesting news. Since he's my dad and has known me my entire life my tone of voice gave it away, and he was able to guess it on the first try.

I had told him not to tell a soul until after we get through the first trimester. The reason for this being, after Zadkiel passed away our doctor mentioned that we may get pregnant relatively fast. When that happens, chances of a miscarriage are extremely high. Plus we just weren't ready for the questions.

As soon as I got confirmation that I was pregnant I started brainstorming on how I should tell Trevor. I had thought since Christmas had just been a couple of days prior I should incorporate that in somehow. I put the positive test in a box and wrapped it up tight and placed it on the table ready for him to open. As soon as he had gotten through the door I had mentioned while I was cleaning I found a present I had forgotten to give to him on Christmas.

The look on his face was priceless, the first word he had said was, "Oh!" Naturally we were both excited about having our second child, but soon began to wonder if what had happened to Zadkiel would happen again for his younger sibling. We started thinking of all of the possibilities and wondered what we could do to make this pregnancy go by as smoothly as possible. We first started to eat extremely healthy, took out any unnecessary stress, and made sure that I was as comfortable as possible.

We had only mentioned it to our closest friends and few family members. They were all in shock and didn't know what to say, but they all lifted up their glasses New Years Eve at 12:00 am and wished us the best of luck.

Trying to stay positive.

It's strange to think that I'm finally turning 21...

Everything that has occurred this year has made me believe that I'm far older than the number of years I've literally lived on this planet.

I find myself thinking to myself of what life might have turned out to be if a couple of actions never happened. If family didn't sweep the problems under the rug and hang on to every grudge until their very last breath, maybe there would be more laughter... perhaps a deeper love. If the truth really did set you free and blood was really thicker than water... than what? Maybe we would maintain the truth instead of hide behind the lies. However, I could play the what if game all day long, it still wouldn't change what has happened. Things just seem to pile on and pile on, but the good seems to bring me back.

Nowadays I am attempting not to take control of everything, I'm attempting to not stress out, and learn how to let go. It's harder some days rather than others, but it's worth a shot. I know if I continue on with the worries of the world, whether they're financial or personal, it can honestly kill me from the inside out.

One thing that blows my mind every time, is that whenever I feel like things are going okay and everybody is healthy, I'm instantly thrown a curve ball. For instance I found out a couple of  months ago that my Grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer. Than a couple of days ago my parent's had informed me that my Grandpa has less than 6 months to live. The family out in California is being extremely optimistic, but I can't help but worry. I know that worrying doesn't solve anything, but it's hard to stop your mind from thinking worse case scenario.

I love my Grandpa so much. For as long as I can remember, whenever I'd walk into his house and ask him how he'd be doing, without fail he would always quickly return with "I'm doing better than some, not as good as others." When I had first heard him say that I didn't quite understand what he was saying, because I was really little. I eventually caught on to his concept. He can't complain about his life and the loved ones in his life. Being truely content doesn't necessarily mean living comfortabley financially or having an extremely attractive partner in life. It means having the capability to enjoy the things in life even the small and seamingly meaningless things.

 

^^ Mikey...Grandpa...Me ^^

West Coast Road Trip

  While I was in Washington, David passed and I was told about my Grandfather. Jazzy, Ashley and I made a plan to take a road trip. We would meet up in California, spend a couple days there, and than drive up to Washington. Spend a couple days in Washington and then Trev and I would drive back to Utah.

  I was set on this trip, slowly but surely things started to try and stop us. For instance Trevor's car accident, my insurance throwing me through the loop, and drama unfolding at every turn. I than just started to ignore the negative and focus souly on the positive. We saved the money but needed an extra driver, that's when our good buddy Vernon came into play.

  July 5th rolled around and we three were off to the races.

Trevor took the first shift in driving, and we soon felt like nascar drivers.

Utah's sunset

  We headed straight for my grandparents house and arrived at 1:30am, settled down and crashed. We three woke up to the yummiest smell in the entire world!! GRANDMA'S COOKIN! It was nice to be around family again, we spent the whole day exploring the mall and forcing Vernon to be our entertainment. Ah the things Vernon will do...



  The next day was Family Dinner day, grandma, grandpa, auntie Jenny, cousin Jenine, mom, dad, Mike, Bre, and princess Peyton all arrived. We got to catching up and took as many pictures as possible.

Trevor, Peyton and I





Bre, Dad, Peyton and I

Mike, Peyton, Bre and I

Mike, Grandpa and I

Jenine, Mike and I

Auntie Jenny and I

Grandpa, Grandma, Mom, Mike and I

  The day was filled with hugs and kisses, one by one every body slowly left. Trevor Vernon and I all hopped back into the car and headed to our next destination, Katy's birthday party.

Sissy and I

Yes Katy did grow with wisdom, look at that face! How could you deny it.

  The next day we went to my parents house to pick up some of Trevor and my things. Well mainly my stuff, I forgot how much stuff I really own. Afterwards went to my Uncles Tony's house and visited with him, Mike, Uncle John, Dad, Vernon and Trevor.

  The next day Mike and I were the first to wake up, we fell asleep on cement floors so we felt a little older than we should. We went outside to find Vernon and Trevor passed out in the car and dad passed out in his car. We thought we'd wake up dad and take him to McDonald's and have a little more family time. Dad and I switched cars for the day so we would be able to fit two more body's in the car. We ran to pick up my high school buddy Joshy, and than sped over to the beach for what we planned to be a friendly bonfire.

Joshy, Vernon and I

Dad later showed up with an umbrella.

Good thing too because we were there for 12 hours, and Trevor had a little to much sun.

Pops and I

                                     

A lot of Trevor's high school friends showed up, and they hated to say good-bye

  One thing I never mentioned was that Trevor and I had a deal, that while on this trip we would go to every important spot and scatter a little bit of Zad's ashes. The beach we had our bonfire at was the very same beach Trevor asked me to be his girlfriend at, same place at sunset.

  We got back to Katy's to find out Trevor was as red as a lobster, we thought maybe it'd go down in the morning. Trevor and Vernon crashed, I stayed up to get or gear in order and thankfully snagged a couple hours of sleep, while Mike stayed up all night. Morning came and Trevor's sunburn got worse, apparently he didn't reapply the sunscreen and his gift was a second degree sun burn. We still threw Trevor and Vernon in the back seat while Mike gave me directions and I drove. We left California by 3:30 am.

Vernon and Trevor cuddling on the way to Washington

Driving through the fog, about to head through the grape vine.

Scattered some of Zad's ashes at Pismo Beach

Scattered some more at Avila Beach

Mike and Zad at Avila

  You've heard of cabin fever, well this is what car fever does to a person. When you drive together as long as we had, all squished together, boundaries go out the window. Vernon made that perfectly clear when he felt like he needed to change up hs wardrobe.

  We drove all day only stopping for the necessities. Trevor was in complete agony the entire drive, we had to repeatedly put what we had on his legs, arms, face, and ears to keep him semi comfortable. From California to Washington is about a 21 hour drive. Between Trevor's legs, and stopping at a couple beach's on the way we made it in 26 hours. Drove through the Grape Vine and down through Oregon's Canyons. Thought we would die a couple times, but that's what makes an adventure.

                                     

Washington Sunrise

                                    

On our journey's we saw the unthinkable, a two story Carl's Jr.











 And they said Video games fry your brain, well let's put that to the test. Levi's face says it all.

Journey to Seattle

Mike, Jazzy and Vernon

Seattles piggy bank

The Gum Wall (yes al those things you see are individual pieces of gum)



He's heavier than he looks folks!

The signs you see walking around Seattle

Pikes Place

Jazzy, Me, Mike, Vernon, and Trevor all at Seattle

Scattered some of Zad's ashes on the boardwalk of pikes place, 

while Mike looked out for the cops

 Trevor was so tired from touring Seattle

We were able to look at our old house, and found our families hand prints

Nikki and I

Visiting the Brotts

Jazzy, Mikey, Me, and Arielle

doing a line up.

Michael, Michaela, Arielle and I

 Snoqualmie Falls; Trevor could barely walk after all of the walking about.



   This whole trip from the beginning was a bit chaotic, but that's how amazing memories are made.