On March 27th, I had called IPS crematory and they had told me Zadkiel was ready to be picked up. After speaking with Trevor I had realized that this was our first and last time we were able to say, "We're going to pick up our son, Zadkiel." When he was born he was 4 lbs 6 oz but when we got to the crematory and finally picked up his ashes I swear he felt heavier! I never thought the day I would go to pick up my son to bring him home, finally puting him in the car I had bought to keep him safe in, would be from a mortuary. When I had seen him in his little plastic urn, I knew we couldn't go straight home. I instantly thought, "Lets spend the day with him before we bring him home." So we went to Vally Fair Mall; played air hockey in the new arcade down there, walked around the mall, and looked at Easter toys and teddy bears.
Baby Morse in his plastic urn.
Zadkiel and I vs. Trevor (we won)
On the 29th Trevor and I met up with Christa, a fellow mom who knows the pain of losing a child. We had gone out to lunch at Red Robin, so we could speak with her about what we have been going through together as a couple and also separately as individuals. She was able to give us some perspective, gave some stories about what her and her spouse have been going through and also what to expect in the following years. She has been a huge comfort to know, and also had given us a breath of fresh air with the hope of one day living our life in peace.
She began to speak about some helpful tactics and gave us some pamphlets on grief that had not only helped her but others that she had helped through similiar situations. She also gave some really good ideas for the memorial, and offered her help in any way possible. As if that weren't enough, while we were at lunch she had also given us some beautiful presents; a figurine of a couple and baby from Willow Tree, bracelets saying, "Always in my heart" an "Infant loss awareness" key chain, seeds to a "Forget me not" plant, and some keepsake hats and booties with "Zadkiel" written on them.
The second Trevor had seen the bracelet he quickly put it on and has been wearing it ever since. I never knew "Infant Loss Awareness" was on October 15th, which is also my birthday. Knowing they were one in the same day gave my heart and mind some peace. Trevor and I left that lunch both feeling like everything was going to be okay with our relationship and also as individuals.
The family figurine
"Forget me not" seeds, "Always in my heart" bracelet, "Infant loss awareness" key chain,
Hats and Booties with Zadkiel written on them
Yesterday morning I woke up to children laughing, I thought I had been dreaming still. As soon as I woke up a bit and I got out of bed, I followed the laughter into the living room to meet Trevor's cousin and her three precious children. It was the first time there had been any children visitors since Zadkiel's passing, so I was very distant because I didn't want to scare them with any tears. She had two girls, and her youngest was a little two year old boy, they were very sweet. The second I had looked at her youngest just for an instant made me think, "I wonder what Zadkiel would've looked like at this age." I had to leave the room but than I had a thought, almost like somebody whispered into my ear, "You have to get use to seeing children, you can't be a hermit forever." So I mustered whatever courage I had, grabbed a cup of coffee and walked back in the room.
Once I had gotten some caffeine in my system, and was able to muster up a complete sentence, I introduced myself and got to know her. She had lost her husband three months prior and was finally able to get out of the house and see family and a few close friends. I believe that she is so strong for having endured the unimaginable, and moving forward fearlessly with three children. Just by speaking with her for the short amount of time she was here, you could tell she has been so strong through everything that's been going on with her life, and has been a warrior through it all.
Angela had asked me if she could show her Zadkiel's molds, I was unsure about another person looking at him but heard that voice in my head again, "You have to get use to this." So I agreed and let them hold and look at his little feet and hand molds. Afterwards I had shown her some of his baby clothes and discussed how I want to make his clothes into teddy bears. She had told me she wanted to do the exact same things for her children and herself. We were really able to talk about how we've been dealing with our own separate losses, and how we've both have been with speaking with everybody about our loved ones who we have lost. Something that I had noticed we both said was that we're still learning step by step on how to continue on with our lives and that we have our good days and our bad days. I know that we have and will continue to grow and learn so much from these misfortunes in life.
It has been a huge blessing to have been able to meet these women. I feel like after meeting them I've been able to slowly let myself be around new faces as well as old faces. I've become more at ease with talking about Zad and hopefully one day I can laugh about any stories Trev and I have of him. Until that day comes, we will continue living our life one day at a time.