As time goes on..

The pass couple of days have been like the twilight zone, just one weird thing after another. I had all of this baby shower stuff set aside and ready to be picked out and paid for, and than I went into the hospital pregnant and feeling healthy. I left the hospital with a permanent smiley face and without my baby. Coming home to baby clothes and baby shower decorations was hard but at the same time it was good to know his presence was here. It all feels like a dream, I still feel as if i'm forgetting things. I still have my phantom kicks and sometimes I even dream of a baby crying, I keep waking up looking for him but soon realize he's with his Father in heaven. With Zadkiel's clothes and toys we are either going to pack it away or give it away. Trevor and I didn't do any baby shopping only because we didn't want to have to return any of his things. However, we did recieve tons of baby clothes, toys and gifts from relatives & friends. I want to make a teddy bear out of some of his clothes, and frame the two outfits he was able to wear so we can have something physical of his..

Although memorial arrangements are being made, and people are flying in, my body is still slowly catching up. My feet and ankles are swelling constantly, sences are still high, I have a nose like a police dog, and the appetite of a growing boy. I'm still recovering from my caesarion, I will definitely have my old lady walk for awhile. Hopefully by the time the memorial comes around I'll be ready to recieve people

My Fred Flinstone feet..

I know that most men have a couple things hardwired in their brain like football, women, and defending their turf. I have come to terms with that, but the one things I cannot stand is the voice in their head saying, "You need to be strong for your woman, so don't cry!" I think men need to have their time of grief and it doesn't matter how it happens as long as it happens. I was talking to my friend Christa and she made a REALLY good point. She said, "Just because the guys don't show their emotions as easily as we do, doesn't mean they don't care." In the beginning I would ask Trev why he wouldn't cry with me, and he just said, "I have cried, but for some reason I can't cry like you can. I have my own way of grieving, I play basketball or drive and just let my brain go blank and let myself feel." Now I don't bug him about his feelings, but I have started to notice the little things he does. If I pay attention I can see his emotions shine through his masculinity.



Candid photo of Trevor sleeping with Zadkiel's monkey.

I was looking through some of my ultrasound pictures, and even some of the videos that I haven't found out how to upload on here yet.. But I did find a video from while I was pregnant, I thought I might as well put it on here to show what me being pregnant looked like.