Saturday, March 24, 2012

As time goes on..

The pass couple of days have been like the twilight zone, just one weird thing after another. I had all of this baby shower stuff set aside and ready to be picked out and paid for, and than I went into the hospital pregnant and feeling healthy. I left the hospital with a permanent smiley face and without my baby. Coming home to baby clothes and baby shower decorations was hard but at the same time it was good to know his presence was here. It all feels like a dream, I still feel as if i'm forgetting things. I still have my phantom kicks and sometimes I even dream of a baby crying, I keep waking up looking for him but soon realize he's with his Father in heaven. With Zadkiel's clothes and toys we are either going to pack it away or give it away. Trevor and I didn't do any baby shopping only because we didn't want to have to return any of his things. However, we did recieve tons of baby clothes, toys and gifts from relatives & friends. I want to make a teddy bear out of some of his clothes, and frame the two outfits he was able to wear so we can have something physical of his..

Although memorial arrangements are being made, and people are flying in, my body is still slowly catching up. My feet and ankles are swelling constantly, sences are still high, I have a nose like a police dog, and the appetite of a growing boy. I'm still recovering from my caesarion, I will definitely have my old lady walk for awhile. Hopefully by the time the memorial comes around I'll be ready to recieve people

My Fred Flinstone feet..

I know that most men have a couple things hardwired in their brain like football, women, and defending their turf. I have come to terms with that, but the one things I cannot stand is the voice in their head saying, "You need to be strong for your woman, so don't cry!" I think men need to have their time of grief and it doesn't matter how it happens as long as it happens. I was talking to my friend Christa and she made a REALLY good point. She said, "Just because the guys don't show their emotions as easily as we do, doesn't mean they don't care." In the beginning I would ask Trev why he wouldn't cry with me, and he just said, "I have cried, but for some reason I can't cry like you can. I have my own way of grieving, I play basketball or drive and just let my brain go blank and let myself feel." Now I don't bug him about his feelings, but I have started to notice the little things he does. If I pay attention I can see his emotions shine through his masculinity.

Candid photo of Trevor sleeping with Zadkiel's monkey.

I was looking through some of my ultrasound pictures, and even some of the videos that I haven't found out how to upload on here yet.. But I did find a video from while I was pregnant, I thought I might as well put it on here to show what me being pregnant looked like.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Zadkiel's name...

Who is Archangel Zadkiel. . .

Zadkiel is a Celestial Angelic Being within the Angelic Order known as the Archangels. Archangels are responsible for ministering to humans, considered somewhat like “manager angels,” Archangels oversee the responsibilities of Guardian Angels and the other Celestial Light Beings that act as our guardians and guides.

Each Archangel has specific qualities that distinguish their characteristics and their specific angelic responsibilities. Archangel Zadkiel’s realm of angelic expertise resides within Forgiveness, Compassion and Mercy.

Considered the Angelic Ambassador of Benevolence, Archangel Zadkiel specializes in helping us to discover the divine aspect within us all. Assisting us in the ability to see beyond our earth base perceptions of our relationships, including the relationship we have with our self, toward the realization of the positive platforms presented within all of our experiences.

Zadkiel will help us to remember our True Spiritual Relationship with those we desire to Forgive. Helping us to remember that our True Relationship transcends this earthly experience, allowing us to gain greater appreciation for the spiritual journey along with the ability to find peace for the path that we have shared with others.

If invited Archangel Zadkiel will facilitate the healing and transcendence of unhealed energy generated from painful experiences so that we may realize forgiveness. Upon our request, Zadkiel will assist in our releasing, healing and transcending negative thought patterns and negative beliefs that we developed within the illusion of self defense against painful experiences and against unbalanced relationships.

Archangel Zadkiel’s Angelic Mission of Mercy is to unchain us from the heavy burden of unhealed energy that we have held against our self and/or against others so that we may reclaim our Freedom to Flourish!

Forgiveness is a very honored and sacred journey within our earth life experience. Zadkiel will assist us to realize personal freedom through the Golden Gate of Forgiveness, discovering newfound confidence, empowerment and inner peace. Through realizing forgiveness for our self and others, we will also have the opportunity to rediscover that Life is a joyous journey, allowing us to realize and experience our world as safe, supportive and filled with love!

Archangel Zadkiel has a very kind and gentle angelic presence. His energy is supreme compassion and naturally aligns us with the ability to see and experience the divinity within all. Zadkiel’s energetic color is often seen as a magnificent dark blue and is aligned with infinite peace. Archangel Zadkiel, like all those within the Angelic Realm, will come with unconditional love, providing guidance and assistance toward our highest good and always honoring our Free Will.

First night..

I woke up repeatedly Thursday morning to the nurses giving me a run down, mainly telling me what was going to occur before I was discharged. I didn't care how many times I was woken up as long as I was able to roll over and see that Trevor was right next to me through it all. I am so happy I was able to wake up next to Trevor this morning. My physical pain was nothing like it was a couple days prior, I was just a little more aware of my surroundings. When I was getting my stuff together to leave, the nurses had a little misunderstanding. They told me I had to make the arrangements for IPS to come pick up Zadkiel from the morgue. Once I got on the phone with IPS they were in shock and disgust that the nursing staff had me make the phone call. His name was Gerald, he said that they had all his information and they shouldn't have had the mother call this in. Once I heard this I broke down crying, I tried explaining to the nurses what Gerald had told me. They tried arguing with me, and my dad took them out of the room while Trevor tried calming me down and held me so tight. Once I relaxed a little, they sent the head nurse into the room and apologized. Her name was Kathy and she was really sweet, she took out my staples and had another nurse roll me out of the hospital. Trev ran ahead to grab the car while my dad stood by my side. It was hard leaving the hospital, I kept thinking about Zadkiel and how I was leaving him. Seeing all the children was starting to overwhelm me so I just shut my eyes until we were out of the lobby. Once out, the sun was shining so bright. There were hardly any clouds, and the clouds I had seen looked like angel wings. I felt a sense of peace once I had seen them, it was like God telling me He had received Zadkiel peacefully.

The drive home was quiet but relaxing, Trev's driving even got a little better. I have to admit, you never realize how good it feels being home until you've been somewhere totally different. I was gone for a week exactly, even down to the time! Angela (Trev's mom) was able to cook me up my favorite meal, Chicken Rolls, and my dad was able to stay a little longer before he sped back to California. Trev ran to the store to grab some beer and cigars for himself and dad, he strolled up to my dad and said, "This totally reminds me of when we first met, here have a cigar!" We three hung out on the front lawn in the sun and shared some laughs. They drank their beers while I drank my water, it was the first time I truly appreciated the sun for it's warmth. I think we enjoyed the sun a little to much though, because before we knew it, the sun was down and we were all sun burnt. We went inside and hung out with the family, and we played one of my favorite card games ever called Rummy.

After dinner dad said goodbye and started his long eleven hour drive. I went back inside and walked in my room, and was hit with an overwhelming scent of flowers. I looked up and saw three arrangements; the first was from my work, the second from my parents, and the third from my grandparents.

The cards that were attached all stated the same message, "We are sorry for you loss." It is hard to accept, but time will make things easier. I looked over and saw my bed I had been gone for so long, I had forgotten what it felt like. I took a deep breath, kissed Trev goodnight and slept. I had realized just being in my own environment overall was a huge comfort.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

tick... tock...

I've been at the U for 6 days now, time is now a strange concept. Hours seem like minutes and than hours seem like days. I feel myself losing track of time and I feel like I'm constantly forgetting something. Lately I feel like watching and listening to the clock is more entertaining than watching TV or listening to people. The nurses keep checking on me every 2-4 hours to make sure I'm "okay". They walk in saying "How are we doing today?" than some realize what they've said and quickly say, "considering... I'm sorry." afterwards they say I'm making a quick recovery. Part of me wants to get out of the hospital any minute, but I feel like when I leave I'm going to be abandoning my baby boy.
Last night my dad went back to my house to give Trevor and I our first night alone together. It felt like a first date, I was scared to actually physically be alone with him. Laying next to each other was so weird, usually he rubs my belly and talks to Zad, but now he just wraps his arms around me and focous' on me. Before we both fell asleep we had spoken about when I would leave the hospital, I explained my fear of leaving Zad alone. Trev looked at me and said, "You can't view it that way. Zadkiel will always be with us, and we can still talk to him." I was about to argue with him, but he then continued saying, "I believe he lived his life in your womb, he has done more in our lives than any one person can do. Zad went to college, he read the bible, he taught us how to be one with each other. After he was born he took one breath and he knew he wasn't meant for this world, because he was a superstar." Once I heard that, I felt this odd peace come into my heart. I knew Zadkiel was fine, and I knew his adorable little fingers, hands, feet, knees, belly, shoulders, hair, lips, nose, cheeks, everything that I cried over and kissed will be laid to rest peacefuly. We had decided that I leave Thursday morning, we already spoke with the nurses. The thought of leaving still makes my heart drop.

The social worker came into the room again and finally met Trev, it seems as if every time she visited he was running around trying to get things ready for the baby. She spoke with us about the stages of grief, and how as a couple we need to be open with each other, learn how to accept what happened and allow ourselves to have fun. She than said although the baby had left us physically, spiritually the baby was watching over us, and wanted us to continue being the happy couple Zadkiel knows and loves.

It was hard to think about Trev and I falling apart because of this. However, I understood that it does happen with a lot of relationships. Although we've been through a lot over our entire relationship, we still are going to work hard with being patient with each other and respecting each other's emotions. After some time I know it'll be easier to laugh, love, and be playful again. Until than I know we need to take things day by day.

Monday, March 19, 2012

day by day

Before baby Zad was born, a social worker came into my room and started talking to me about options. She mainly asked about what we had planned for the baby, things like where he would sleep and if we had an outfit to take him home in. She than continued with saying how medicaid would be available, we spoke about childcare and different doctors for future surgeries. After his death, the same social worker came in and started talking about the memorial. She began explaining where we could go to get a cremation or a burial plot. It was a total 180, I didn't know how to take all the information in. All I wanted was to have a moment, I felt like as soon as Zad passed away I haven't had a moment to myself. Than again if I was alone, I don't know how I would handle my thoughts and actions.

After our baby left us, we tried healing the best way we knew how to. Trevor tried to burry himself in work, and I tried pushing myself physically to heal quicker. I didn't want to think about anything that could set me back, but than I found myself not being able to think... I wanted to cry every minute, but still didn't know how to face the reality of not being able to take my son home with me.

Throughout our time here, since we were admitted on 3/15/2012, Trevor may have gotten a grand total of 5 hours of sleep. I sent him home the day Zad passed on, so he could get some real sleep. Although he will never admit it, I knew he needed to get out of the hospital and collect his own thoughts before he could even begin to heal.

My dad stayed at the hospital with me so I didn't have to stay the first night alone. That night, whenever I would close my eyes I swear I could still feel the baby inside my belly. I would quickly open my eyes and I would see him in his crib. The anticipation of hoping for the baby to wake up and start crying any minute started to tear at me. Every part of my soul cried out in hopes of him looking up at me, hearing him coo, wanting to feel his little heart beat. I found myself not being able to understand why our son had to leave so suddenly, and it's hard to be calm about it all.

Trev and I still have things we need to work on. The hardest thing to do is accept the unfortunate reality that we don't get to take our son home. Trevor told me that if the chromosone test shows us that all our future kids will have life threatening illnesses, that we can adopt. Part of me feels like less of a woman, not being able to create and sustain life. People are telling me it's normal to go through all these stages of grief, and not to let my pride get in the way of allowing myself to feel what needs to be felt. It's still not real for me to accept it yet. I am trying not to take offense to those trying to comfort me, but sometimes the things you need to hear don't always sound the nicest at first. I'm trying to accept the help and support from those who offer. I know that a lot of people ask what they can do to help, and it seems like when they are told what they can do it helps heal both parties.

Every time I move I can feel my stitches. As time goes on the cut will heal, the scar will be a temporary physical reminder and than that scar will fade, but his life will never be forgotten and he will always be involved in our family.

We love our son and our son loves us.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

After my echo on Friday they had told me that his heart and lungs were beginning to fill with more fluid. They gave me the options of waiting or going for the surgery right away. When I asked for time to think about it, and possibly go for a walk to refresh my brain, they had told me that I couldn't leave the room unless I signed a paper saying I understood that if I were to get off of the baby heart monitors (go against medical advice) and Zadkiel's heart were to stop and they couldn't find me and he were to die than they can't be sued. I didn't want to chance that so I was put on battery operated monitors and walked around the halls. I soon realized that my legs weren't what they use to be, since I hadn't been doing much of anything but laying down.

My dad drove down Friday moring and got here Friday night, but I was asleep. Trev kept it a secret that way when I woke up Saturday morning my dad's arrival would be a big surprise.

He was only able to stay a day, but well worth the laughs and reminiscing. Dad was going to drive back Saturday night so he'd have Sunday to recoup, but in salt lake it started to snow which meant that on the drive back he could very well run into ice patches on the road. He decided to sleep over at my house, while Trev and I stayed at the hospital awaiting whatever may be thrown our way. My friend Aundreah showed up later that night, and helped me feel more at ease. She massaged my legs and helped me get up out of bed and back in bed whenever I needed. I started to experience contractions, they started off as just mild pressure but soon turned into irregular awkward pain. Aundreah tried staying as long as she could but unfortunately had to leave because she had to go back home to her husband, daughter, and niece.

After Trev got back from dropping her off at the house we both fell asleep and I was awoken by my night nurse her name was Staci (the inspiration for this blog) and the chief resident for that day. They woke me up saying stuff like your baby's heart had declined dramatically, it's time we have you go to the OR, and we need to call a code. I was rolled out of my room, they told me I was going to be put to sleep so Trevor couldn't follow me. The last thing I told Trev was to call mom and dad before they wheeled me into the OR. They started poking and prodding me, I felt a sharp pain in my hand and I was out. When I awoke two doctors in the NICU were talking to me at the same time (so it felt) they said they were unable to keep Zadkiel's heart stable, and had been trying to keep him alive for one hour, they said that this might be the only time for me and him. I looked up and saw Staci and Trevor, once I saw Trev's face I knew it wasn't a dream. They set him in my hands and he grabbed my finger, just like that he was gone. Zadkiel Adonis Morse was born 3/18/2012 at 5:02 am and died 3/18/2012 at 6:26am.

These were our last moments together...


After Zadkiel went hom to be with the Lord, the hopsital provided a professional photographer to capture our time with Zadkiel so that we may share it with everyone, pictures that we will always treasure (will be showing shortly). The nursing staff, who I was fortunate to get to know, put together a box filled with things to remember Zadkiel by and signed a card to express their condolances.

Trevor and I have been truly blessed to have met and been apart of Zadkiel's life, even if it was only for a little while. We have been appreciative of everybody's prayers and uplifting moral support. Although this was not how Trev and I expected to spend our sons birth day, we really did enjoy every last second of it.

We love you so much our sweet angel baby, and we will meet up again in heaven.

Friday, March 16, 2012

I've been in the hospital since 11am yesterday it's sunny outside and a brand new day. I may have gotten a grand total of four hours of sleep last night, Trevor had definitely gotten less, he was watching the heart monitor the entire time. When I woke up this morning I met the OB team, they basically told me that the heart did dip temporarily while I was sleeping but not to worry. They said that I am able to eat something light and I can still drink clear liquids.

Trevor has been a complete God send! He has been getting to know this hospital like the back of his hand; running to get me food or whatever I may or may not need. We are both incredibley nervous but we are still doing okay considering.

They took me in for another ultrasound to measure the fluids in his body as well as the ambiotic fluid and his adorable little body. Here are a couple pictures they snapped for me;

This is a snap shot of his face, showing a portion of his cleft lip. He kept putting his arm infront of his face so the technician couldn't get a total clear view.

His little baby foot, Trev poked my belly before he ran out the door and as soon as he was about to walk out the door the baby started squiggling and kicking that spot. I honestly feel like the baby was trying to tell his daddy not to go.

Zadkiel's legs, knees, and belly. He was a lot more mellow in this ultrasound compared to the earlier ultrasounds. The technician told us it was because as the baby gets older he has less room to jump around. I think he's just waiting for people to look away, I feel him move constantly especially when he wants something.

Overall, my little man is doing great, they're still having me stay here until I give birth. So that could be anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks, it does depend on what the doctors see in these next few days. I may even deliver today it really is all up in the air for now. They have me set up to get another echo at noon, so I have been trying to eat something light before I go in there.

They're checking my blood pressure and giving me oxygen.

This monitor shows me the babies heart beat and the doctor's are able to monitor him from the other room..

Zadkiel Adonis Morse

Trevor and I have been seeing each other for almost 3 years now, as of August 10th 2009. We have definitely had our ups and downs like any other relationship, but as of September 13th 2011 our lives officially changed. We were told that getting pregnant wasn't in the cards for us, mainly because Trevor has a disability called "Dandy Walker Cyst" and part of that means his semen count is cut to 1/3 of the average. For myself I was diagnosed with having severe ovarian cysts. They told me that if by some chance I were to get pregnant once the cyst were to burst there was a high chance I would instantly lose the baby or would not be able to carry to full term. However, with all of these obstacles in our way we still miraculously managed.

At first I didn't even believe the pregnancy tests, I took a total of four; three at home pregnancy tests and last one was done by a doctor. Even though I had four positive tests in a row I still wanted to get a "Verification of Pregnancy" paper that way I could show it to myself to make it more "real". Although our baby was not a planned pregnancy we still felt so much love for our baby, I use to say " I love you Trevor with everything in my chest." I guess I can't say that any more now that I have another love of my life.

As time went on and we had our average routine checkups, everything seemed to be going along normally, until I received a phone call from my OBGYN's office. I was five months pregnant, found out we were having a boy, and the secretary was setting up an appointment to have a specialist come give me an ultrasound, but I didn't quite understand why I would need a specialist to come look at my baby. Once I started inquiring to her about why I would even need that, half joking and half serious I asked, “Is there a complication?" The nurse instantly stated that my doctor or my doctor's head nurse would have to call and tell me the reason. As frustrating as it was with not knowing, I understood her job would've been on the line if she released any information to me. I quickly receive a call later that night from the head nurse stating she had seen a facial deformation in the last ultrasound, but the machines were old so there could've been a glitch. I didn't think anything of it and assumed that machines get old and mistakes happen.
At six months I met with Dr. Richards, while he was giving me the ultrsound you could see his facial features go from relaxed to rather serious. I felt my heart drop as he quickly said there is more to it than just a cleft lip. He wiped my belly off and told me to meet him in his office with two genetic counselors. Once I made it over they started assessing the situation and explained that they were able to see inside the baby’s mouth and saw a cleft palate as well. As if that wasn't enough they told me that there could very well be a possible heart defect but I would need to see a cardiologist to verify any heart abnormalities. I made an appointment with Dr. Pichalski and he verified that there was something wrong with the heart, they called it an "Ebstein's Anomaly" As I understood it; it is a rare heart disease, and means that the heart is not pumping properly. Their main concern with this heart disease occurring was that the right ventricle would stop pumping properly and start pumping the opposite way forcing the left chambers to over compensate. They said there was no way of planning what was going to happen, only to hope for the baby's heart to stay the same and not get any worse.

About a month later (when I was seven months) we receive another echo, it had shown the right ventricle stopped working all together and had started to pump the opposite direction but wasn't to the point of putting me into labor. Nine days later I saw my official OB (Dr. Richards) and he did a full scan of the baby which showed that there wasn't enough flow coming from the umbilical cord which was causing pressure on the liver and also swelling on the back of the neck. He didn't like how the baby was looking so he had Trevor and I drive to University of Utah. They instantly checked me in, had me fill out the paper work, put baby monitors on my belly, stuck me with an IV, gave me a steroid shot (for the baby's lungs to develop quicker), started checking my blood pressure, and gave me the rundown of what could happen to me and my child.

They started off with what they officially saw on the ultrasound, what the cardiologist thinks to be the best course in action and the order they would do everything in. I was still in shock when all of this was going, I woke up that morning knowing something drastic was going to occur, but I didn't want to believe it until it was staring me in the face. I felt very calm yet anxious, my body started to go into shock and I became very quiet just trying to take in as much information as possible. Finally I heard that they wanted to wait and monitor the baby so they could see if an emergency caesarean would help. They needed to see if his heart would hold out while in my womb, we all wanted him to develop a little more so his body could handle the surgery. Everything was up in the air, because it is a rarity and no two ebstein kids are the same they weren't sure what the outcome would be. Since he will most likely be born premature his risk went from 80% survival to 40%. Trevor and I stayed the night, we tried distracting ourselves with whatever we had but our eyes still wandered over to the heart machine wondering what would happen. With everything happening so quickly, I soon realized it's all up to God and what He believes is best.