West Coast Road Trip

  While I was in Washington, David passed and I was told about my Grandfather. Jazzy, Ashley and I made a plan to take a road trip. We would meet up in California, spend a couple days there, and than drive up to Washington. Spend a couple days in Washington and then Trev and I would drive back to Utah.

  I was set on this trip, slowly but surely things started to try and stop us. For instance Trevor's car accident, my insurance throwing me through the loop, and drama unfolding at every turn. I than just started to ignore the negative and focus souly on the positive. We saved the money but needed an extra driver, that's when our good buddy Vernon came into play.

  July 5th rolled around and we three were off to the races.

Trevor took the first shift in driving, and we soon felt like nascar drivers.

Utah's sunset

  We headed straight for my grandparents house and arrived at 1:30am, settled down and crashed. We three woke up to the yummiest smell in the entire world!! GRANDMA'S COOKIN! It was nice to be around family again, we spent the whole day exploring the mall and forcing Vernon to be our entertainment. Ah the things Vernon will do...



  The next day was Family Dinner day, grandma, grandpa, auntie Jenny, cousin Jenine, mom, dad, Mike, Bre, and princess Peyton all arrived. We got to catching up and took as many pictures as possible.

Trevor, Peyton and I





Bre, Dad, Peyton and I

Mike, Peyton, Bre and I

Mike, Grandpa and I

Jenine, Mike and I

Auntie Jenny and I

Grandpa, Grandma, Mom, Mike and I

  The day was filled with hugs and kisses, one by one every body slowly left. Trevor Vernon and I all hopped back into the car and headed to our next destination, Katy's birthday party.

Sissy and I

Yes Katy did grow with wisdom, look at that face! How could you deny it.

  The next day we went to my parents house to pick up some of Trevor and my things. Well mainly my stuff, I forgot how much stuff I really own. Afterwards went to my Uncles Tony's house and visited with him, Mike, Uncle John, Dad, Vernon and Trevor.

  The next day Mike and I were the first to wake up, we fell asleep on cement floors so we felt a little older than we should. We went outside to find Vernon and Trevor passed out in the car and dad passed out in his car. We thought we'd wake up dad and take him to McDonald's and have a little more family time. Dad and I switched cars for the day so we would be able to fit two more body's in the car. We ran to pick up my high school buddy Joshy, and than sped over to the beach for what we planned to be a friendly bonfire.

Joshy, Vernon and I

Dad later showed up with an umbrella.

Good thing too because we were there for 12 hours, and Trevor had a little to much sun.

Pops and I

                                     

A lot of Trevor's high school friends showed up, and they hated to say good-bye

  One thing I never mentioned was that Trevor and I had a deal, that while on this trip we would go to every important spot and scatter a little bit of Zad's ashes. The beach we had our bonfire at was the very same beach Trevor asked me to be his girlfriend at, same place at sunset.

  We got back to Katy's to find out Trevor was as red as a lobster, we thought maybe it'd go down in the morning. Trevor and Vernon crashed, I stayed up to get or gear in order and thankfully snagged a couple hours of sleep, while Mike stayed up all night. Morning came and Trevor's sunburn got worse, apparently he didn't reapply the sunscreen and his gift was a second degree sun burn. We still threw Trevor and Vernon in the back seat while Mike gave me directions and I drove. We left California by 3:30 am.

Vernon and Trevor cuddling on the way to Washington

Driving through the fog, about to head through the grape vine.

Scattered some of Zad's ashes at Pismo Beach

Scattered some more at Avila Beach

Mike and Zad at Avila

  You've heard of cabin fever, well this is what car fever does to a person. When you drive together as long as we had, all squished together, boundaries go out the window. Vernon made that perfectly clear when he felt like he needed to change up hs wardrobe.

  We drove all day only stopping for the necessities. Trevor was in complete agony the entire drive, we had to repeatedly put what we had on his legs, arms, face, and ears to keep him semi comfortable. From California to Washington is about a 21 hour drive. Between Trevor's legs, and stopping at a couple beach's on the way we made it in 26 hours. Drove through the Grape Vine and down through Oregon's Canyons. Thought we would die a couple times, but that's what makes an adventure.

                                     

Washington Sunrise

                                    

On our journey's we saw the unthinkable, a two story Carl's Jr.











 And they said Video games fry your brain, well let's put that to the test. Levi's face says it all.

Journey to Seattle

Mike, Jazzy and Vernon

Seattles piggy bank

The Gum Wall (yes al those things you see are individual pieces of gum)



He's heavier than he looks folks!

The signs you see walking around Seattle

Pikes Place

Jazzy, Me, Mike, Vernon, and Trevor all at Seattle

Scattered some of Zad's ashes on the boardwalk of pikes place, 

while Mike looked out for the cops

 Trevor was so tired from touring Seattle

We were able to look at our old house, and found our families hand prints

Nikki and I

Visiting the Brotts

Jazzy, Mikey, Me, and Arielle

doing a line up.

Michael, Michaela, Arielle and I

 Snoqualmie Falls; Trevor could barely walk after all of the walking about.



   This whole trip from the beginning was a bit chaotic, but that's how amazing memories are made.



Please Pray for the Family

  This year alone has been one heart ache after another. Trevor's uncle David became very ill. He asperated into his lungs which caused lack of oxygen into the brain and it caused him to go into a coma. While in the coma the doctors intibated him and did a 24 hour dialisis and did an MRI to see if their was any brain dammage. Afterwards they did an aggressive dialisis and it put him into cardiac arrest. They tried to do another dialisis and David almost had another cardiac arrest. The Doctors than said either his brain or his body would come out of this. His daughter, who had also suffered a loss of her husband at the beginning of the year, and David's two sisters knew that david wouldn't want to live the remainder of his life in this condition. They stopped doing dialisis and the doctors said he could go at any time. David passed away May, 5th 2012 he would've been 53 on May 11th.

  The weird part was that the very same day David Morse went into the hospital my grandfather James Barlow also went into the hospital. Grandpa hurt his knee and so my Grandma took him to the ER, after being declined multiple times for insurance purposes a hospital finally accepted them and did X-rays. They found lung cancer surging through his lungs, they said it was the fast acting kind. They immediately put him on kemo-therapy, he had lost his hair and was becoming weaker as the time went on.

  My entire family lives in California, while I live in Utah. It was hard to hear my jolly grandpa, was now fighting for his life. My family explained to me that I needed to have a plan just in case. He is currently fighting for his life, please pray for him.

  After David passed, and we found out the news about James. Trevor than got into a car accident, he was T-Boned at an intersection right outside from his work. His car is totaled, but Trevor is still recovering. Trevor hit his head hard on the window during impact. The doctors said with Trevor's Dandy Walker Cyst in his head, he's lucky to be alive.

  After everything that has happened this year alone, I know that Zadkiel was watching out for his daddy.

Lets Play Catch Up

It's definitely been awhile since I last posted anything on this blog, let me catch you up on a few things.

We had Zadkiel's memorial on April 21st 2012, it was a beautiful service. Friends and family flew in from all around, and we celebrated his life. It was hard to talk that day but we all made it through okay.

I wrote something special just for Zad, I knew that all the other poems didn't seem like enough.

From your sweet little fingers, to your darling little toes

I can honestly say "I wish I could've held on to those."

You're sweet little kicks has forever touched us,

We knew our time with you was so very precious.

You took one breath and had to leave right away

We held you in hopes that you would forever stay.

Father above knew what was in store,

So He came down to greet you and showed you heaven's door.

Love Mommy and Daddy

     When the time came for everybody to go home, it was hard to say good-bye. I didn't know when I would see them again, or if I would even survive through these hard times. I hugged everybody repeatedly, cried a little every time. Than my Washington friends were left; Ashley, Jazzy and Ryan. We were enjoying our last night together, and as the night grew later and later we started joking about me leaving with them for 2 weeks. A joke soon turned into a decision that I was going to go with them back to Washington. So I packed my stuff and hit the road with them the next morning. Ryan took a 14 hour drive and turned it into a 10 hour drive.

   While I was on the drive up to Washington I wasn't completely healed from my Cesarean, so I was what you can call weak. I didn't let it hold me back I wanted to do anything and everything. So we went to the old middle school, saw old friends, went to the house that my family and I built and visited Seattle. I felt like for the first time in a long time, I was finally home.

*If you would like to see the remainder pictures of Zadkiels Memorial-look me up on facebook*

Mommy and me weekend

My mom flew in on April 6th at 5:35pm, I was so nervous when Trevor drove me to go pick her up from the airport. I was so nervous and worried that we wouldn't have a good time, everybody kept telling me everything will be fine. THANK GOD THEY WERE RIGHT! We hung out at the house the night she came over and had a couple drinks, listened to good music, sang and danced our hearts out it was so much fun.

Momma and Me the first night

Me and Trev the first night

After the first night we had planned to wake up early and go for a walk around the park. Of course when you stay up all night you don't end up waking up that early and certain plans don't end up happening. We woke up around noon, ate some yummy homemade mcmuffins (made by Angy). That day we got breakfast for saturday morning ready, we made an egg suflay. After we got it ready, momma Rene'e and I stayed up all night talking had a couple shots of the yummy butterscotch shnapps and laughed so hard we cried. We stayed up till about five in the morning and had to put the suflay in around six thirty that morning so Trevor would be able to have some. When Saturday morning came around Trevor actually ate it and enjoyed it, and he hates eggs! That day we were out of it, but that still didn't hold us back from our fun. That night we went out to a bar and played some pool and had even more fun! It was our last night together and we wanted it to be amazing, and it was!







Angy and Rene'e the third night

Sunday morning Trev and I woke up to momma Angy and momma Rene'e cooking up a feast in the kitchen for Easter dinner. We got hit with the most amazing smells of turkey, stuffing, yams, the works! I learned some new recipes while she was here and it was the most fun (I think) we've had throughout out entire life together.

From the time she got here to the time we had to drop her off Monday morning at five thirty, our relationship has changed drastically. I feel like my mother and I are a lot closer, and she has even become close friends with Angy. All the things I was nervous about didn't even seem to be a bother. I'm excited for the next time she comes out.

Hoping for a peaceful life together.

On March 27th, I had called IPS crematory and they had told me Zadkiel was ready to be picked up. After speaking with Trevor I had realized that this was our first and last time we were able to say, "We're going to pick up our son, Zadkiel." When he was born he was 4 lbs 6 oz but when we got to the crematory and finally picked up his ashes I swear he felt heavier! I never thought the day I would go to pick up my son to bring him home, finally puting him in the car I had bought to keep him safe in, would be from a mortuary. When I had seen him in his little plastic urn, I knew we couldn't go straight home. I instantly thought, "Lets spend the day with him before we bring him home." So we went to Vally Fair Mall; played air hockey in the new arcade down there, walked around the mall, and looked at Easter toys and teddy bears.

Family Picture

Baby Morse in his plastic urn.

Zadkiel and I vs. Trevor (we won)

On the 29th Trevor and I met up with Christa, a fellow mom who knows the pain of losing a child. We had gone out to lunch at Red Robin, so we could speak with her about what we have been going through together as a couple and also separately as individuals. She was able to give us some perspective, gave some stories about what her and her spouse have been going through and also what to expect in the following years. She has been a huge comfort to know, and also had given us a breath of fresh air with the hope of one day living our life in peace.

She began to speak about some helpful tactics and gave us some pamphlets on grief that had not only helped her but others that she had helped through similiar situations. She also gave some really good ideas for the memorial, and offered her help in any way possible. As if that weren't enough, while we were at lunch she had also given us some beautiful presents; a figurine of a couple and baby from Willow Tree, bracelets saying, "Always in my heart" an "Infant loss awareness" key chain, seeds to a "Forget me not" plant, and some keepsake hats and booties with "Zadkiel" written on them.

The second Trevor had seen the bracelet he quickly put it on and has been wearing it ever since. I never knew "Infant Loss Awareness" was on October 15th, which is also my birthday. Knowing they were one in the same day gave my heart and mind some peace. Trevor and I left that lunch both feeling like everything was going to be okay with our relationship and also as individuals. 

The family figurine

"Forget me not" seeds, "Always in my heart" bracelet, "Infant loss awareness" key chain,

Hats and Booties with Zadkiel written on them

Yesterday morning I woke up to children laughing, I thought I had been dreaming still. As soon as I woke up a bit and I got out of bed, I followed the laughter into the living room to meet Trevor's cousin and her three precious children. It was the first time there had been any children visitors since Zadkiel's passing, so I was very distant because I didn't want to scare them with any tears. She had two girls, and her youngest was a little two year old boy, they were very sweet. The second I had looked at her youngest just for an instant made me think, "I wonder what Zadkiel would've looked like at this age." I had to leave the room but than I had a thought, almost like somebody whispered into my ear, "You have to get use to seeing children, you can't be a hermit forever." So I mustered whatever courage I had, grabbed a cup of coffee and walked back in the room.

Once I had gotten some caffeine in my system, and was able to muster up a complete sentence, I introduced myself and got to know her. She had lost her husband three months prior and was finally able to get out of the house and see family and a few close friends. I believe that she is so strong for having endured the unimaginable, and moving forward fearlessly with three children. Just by speaking with her for the short amount of time she was here, you could tell she has been so strong through everything that's been going on with her life, and has been a warrior through it all.

Angela had asked me if she could show her Zadkiel's molds, I was unsure about another person looking at him but heard that voice in my head again, "You have to get use to this." So I agreed and let them hold and look at his little feet and hand molds. Afterwards I had shown her some of his baby clothes and discussed how I want to make his clothes into teddy bears. She had told me she wanted to do the exact same things for her children and herself. We were really able to talk about how we've been dealing with our own separate losses, and how we've both have been with speaking with everybody about our loved ones who we have lost. Something that I had noticed we both said was that we're still learning step by step on how to continue on with our lives and that we have our good days and our bad days. I know that we have and will continue to grow and learn so much from these misfortunes in life.

It has been a huge blessing to have been able to meet these women. I feel like after meeting them I've been able to slowly let myself be around new faces as well as old faces. I've become more at ease with talking about Zad and hopefully one day I can laugh about any stories Trev and I have of him. Until that day comes, we will continue living our life one day at a time.