Sunday, March 18, 2012

After my echo on Friday they had told me that his heart and lungs were beginning to fill with more fluid. They gave me the options of waiting or going for the surgery right away. When I asked for time to think about it, and possibly go for a walk to refresh my brain, they had told me that I couldn't leave the room unless I signed a paper saying I understood that if I were to get off of the baby heart monitors (go against medical advice) and Zadkiel's heart were to stop and they couldn't find me and he were to die than they can't be sued. I didn't want to chance that so I was put on battery operated monitors and walked around the halls. I soon realized that my legs weren't what they use to be, since I hadn't been doing much of anything but laying down.

My dad drove down Friday moring and got here Friday night, but I was asleep. Trev kept it a secret that way when I woke up Saturday morning my dad's arrival would be a big surprise.

He was only able to stay a day, but well worth the laughs and reminiscing. Dad was going to drive back Saturday night so he'd have Sunday to recoup, but in salt lake it started to snow which meant that on the drive back he could very well run into ice patches on the road. He decided to sleep over at my house, while Trev and I stayed at the hospital awaiting whatever may be thrown our way. My friend Aundreah showed up later that night, and helped me feel more at ease. She massaged my legs and helped me get up out of bed and back in bed whenever I needed. I started to experience contractions, they started off as just mild pressure but soon turned into irregular awkward pain. Aundreah tried staying as long as she could but unfortunately had to leave because she had to go back home to her husband, daughter, and niece.

After Trev got back from dropping her off at the house we both fell asleep and I was awoken by my night nurse her name was Staci (the inspiration for this blog) and the chief resident for that day. They woke me up saying stuff like your baby's heart had declined dramatically, it's time we have you go to the OR, and we need to call a code. I was rolled out of my room, they told me I was going to be put to sleep so Trevor couldn't follow me. The last thing I told Trev was to call mom and dad before they wheeled me into the OR. They started poking and prodding me, I felt a sharp pain in my hand and I was out. When I awoke two doctors in the NICU were talking to me at the same time (so it felt) they said they were unable to keep Zadkiel's heart stable, and had been trying to keep him alive for one hour, they said that this might be the only time for me and him. I looked up and saw Staci and Trevor, once I saw Trev's face I knew it wasn't a dream. They set him in my hands and he grabbed my finger, just like that he was gone. Zadkiel Adonis Morse was born 3/18/2012 at 5:02 am and died 3/18/2012 at 6:26am.

These were our last moments together...


After Zadkiel went hom to be with the Lord, the hopsital provided a professional photographer to capture our time with Zadkiel so that we may share it with everyone, pictures that we will always treasure (will be showing shortly). The nursing staff, who I was fortunate to get to know, put together a box filled with things to remember Zadkiel by and signed a card to express their condolances.

Trevor and I have been truly blessed to have met and been apart of Zadkiel's life, even if it was only for a little while. We have been appreciative of everybody's prayers and uplifting moral support. Although this was not how Trev and I expected to spend our sons birth day, we really did enjoy every last second of it.

We love you so much our sweet angel baby, and we will meet up again in heaven.


  1. What a beautiful baby! You inspire and amaze me with your strenght. I am happy that you got to spend a little bit of time with your little one and able to get professional pictures. I am so sorry for your loss. You will see him again and be able to raise him in the after life.

  2. So sorry for you loss. Your son is beautiful. May you find comfort. I too have an angel in heaven and am available to talk anytime!

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. I love the name you choose for your son and hope that you will find comfort. (Hugs)

    Stephanie - IHH

  4. These are so beautiful ....he looks peaceful and your arms<3 the finger holding your hand is priceless! I hope you grief subsides and let the joy of having met your son lighten your are in our thoughts and prayers...hope to see you soon you my precious niece