Wednesday, March 21, 2012

tick... tock...

I've been at the U for 6 days now, time is now a strange concept. Hours seem like minutes and than hours seem like days. I feel myself losing track of time and I feel like I'm constantly forgetting something. Lately I feel like watching and listening to the clock is more entertaining than watching TV or listening to people. The nurses keep checking on me every 2-4 hours to make sure I'm "okay". They walk in saying "How are we doing today?" than some realize what they've said and quickly say, "considering... I'm sorry." afterwards they say I'm making a quick recovery. Part of me wants to get out of the hospital any minute, but I feel like when I leave I'm going to be abandoning my baby boy.
Last night my dad went back to my house to give Trevor and I our first night alone together. It felt like a first date, I was scared to actually physically be alone with him. Laying next to each other was so weird, usually he rubs my belly and talks to Zad, but now he just wraps his arms around me and focous' on me. Before we both fell asleep we had spoken about when I would leave the hospital, I explained my fear of leaving Zad alone. Trev looked at me and said, "You can't view it that way. Zadkiel will always be with us, and we can still talk to him." I was about to argue with him, but he then continued saying, "I believe he lived his life in your womb, he has done more in our lives than any one person can do. Zad went to college, he read the bible, he taught us how to be one with each other. After he was born he took one breath and he knew he wasn't meant for this world, because he was a superstar." Once I heard that, I felt this odd peace come into my heart. I knew Zadkiel was fine, and I knew his adorable little fingers, hands, feet, knees, belly, shoulders, hair, lips, nose, cheeks, everything that I cried over and kissed will be laid to rest peacefuly. We had decided that I leave Thursday morning, we already spoke with the nurses. The thought of leaving still makes my heart drop.

The social worker came into the room again and finally met Trev, it seems as if every time she visited he was running around trying to get things ready for the baby. She spoke with us about the stages of grief, and how as a couple we need to be open with each other, learn how to accept what happened and allow ourselves to have fun. She than said although the baby had left us physically, spiritually the baby was watching over us, and wanted us to continue being the happy couple Zadkiel knows and loves.

It was hard to think about Trev and I falling apart because of this. However, I understood that it does happen with a lot of relationships. Although we've been through a lot over our entire relationship, we still are going to work hard with being patient with each other and respecting each other's emotions. After some time I know it'll be easier to laugh, love, and be playful again. Until than I know we need to take things day by day.

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