Zadkiel Adonis Morse

Trevor and I have been seeing each other for almost 3 years now, as of August 10th 2009. We have definitely had our ups and downs like any other relationship, but as of September 13th 2011 our lives officially changed. We were told that getting pregnant wasn't in the cards for us, mainly because Trevor has a disability called "Dandy Walker Cyst" and part of that means his semen count is cut to 1/3 of the average. For myself I was diagnosed with having severe ovarian cysts. They told me that if by some chance I were to get pregnant once the cyst were to burst there was a high chance I would instantly lose the baby or would not be able to carry to full term. However, with all of these obstacles in our way we still miraculously managed.

At first I didn't even believe the pregnancy tests, I took a total of four; three at home pregnancy tests and last one was done by a doctor. Even though I had four positive tests in a row I still wanted to get a "Verification of Pregnancy" paper that way I could show it to myself to make it more "real". Although our baby was not a planned pregnancy we still felt so much love for our baby, I use to say " I love you Trevor with everything in my chest." I guess I can't say that any more now that I have another love of my life.



As time went on and we had our average routine checkups, everything seemed to be going along normally, until I received a phone call from my OBGYN's office. I was five months pregnant, found out we were having a boy, and the secretary was setting up an appointment to have a specialist come give me an ultrasound, but I didn't quite understand why I would need a specialist to come look at my baby. Once I started inquiring to her about why I would even need that, half joking and half serious I asked, “Is there a complication?" The nurse instantly stated that my doctor or my doctor's head nurse would have to call and tell me the reason. As frustrating as it was with not knowing, I understood her job would've been on the line if she released any information to me. I quickly receive a call later that night from the head nurse stating she had seen a facial deformation in the last ultrasound, but the machines were old so there could've been a glitch. I didn't think anything of it and assumed that machines get old and mistakes happen.

At six months I met with Dr. Richards, while he was giving me the ultrsound you could see his facial features go from relaxed to rather serious. I felt my heart drop as he quickly said there is more to it than just a cleft lip. He wiped my belly off and told me to meet him in his office with two genetic counselors. Once I made it over they started assessing the situation and explained that they were able to see inside the baby’s mouth and saw a cleft palate as well. As if that wasn't enough they told me that there could very well be a possible heart defect but I would need to see a cardiologist to verify any heart abnormalities. I made an appointment with Dr. Pichalski and he verified that there was something wrong with the heart, they called it an "Ebstein's Anomaly" As I understood it; it is a rare heart disease, and means that the heart is not pumping properly. Their main concern with this heart disease occurring was that the right ventricle would stop pumping properly and start pumping the opposite way forcing the left chambers to over compensate. They said there was no way of planning what was going to happen, only to hope for the baby's heart to stay the same and not get any worse.

About a month later (when I was seven months) we receive another echo, it had shown the right ventricle stopped working all together and had started to pump the opposite direction but wasn't to the point of putting me into labor. Nine days later I saw my official OB (Dr. Richards) and he did a full scan of the baby which showed that there wasn't enough flow coming from the umbilical cord which was causing pressure on the liver and also swelling on the back of the neck. He didn't like how the baby was looking so he had Trevor and I drive to University of Utah. They instantly checked me in, had me fill out the paper work, put baby monitors on my belly, stuck me with an IV, gave me a steroid shot (for the baby's lungs to develop quicker), started checking my blood pressure, and gave me the rundown of what could happen to me and my child.

They started off with what they officially saw on the ultrasound, what the cardiologist thinks to be the best course in action and the order they would do everything in. I was still in shock when all of this was going, I woke up that morning knowing something drastic was going to occur, but I didn't want to believe it until it was staring me in the face. I felt very calm yet anxious, my body started to go into shock and I became very quiet just trying to take in as much information as possible. Finally I heard that they wanted to wait and monitor the baby so they could see if an emergency caesarean would help. They needed to see if his heart would hold out while in my womb, we all wanted him to develop a little more so his body could handle the surgery. Everything was up in the air, because it is a rarity and no two ebstein kids are the same they weren't sure what the outcome would be. Since he will most likely be born premature his risk went from 80% survival to 40%. Trevor and I stayed the night, we tried distracting ourselves with whatever we had but our eyes still wandered over to the heart machine wondering what would happen. With everything happening so quickly, I soon realized it's all up to God and what He believes is best.